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Reality ain’t what it used to be. That sentiment was conveyed at a press conference today by Looney Newz founder and official old person, Derek Prospero, whose design and creative copywriting background inspired him to launch a fresh entry into the world of satirical news. Speaking to his cat in an otherwise large, empty room, Prospero said “Thank you all for coming. We are excited to announce a completely unoriginal idea in an oversaturated market, which nonetheless will provide a brave, unflinching daily look at the insanity in which we live. I will now take any questions unrelated to feeding time.”
As seemingly more and more parents prioritize friendship with their kids, some have reported allowing children as young as 5 to drive themselves to school. “They have such fast reflexes these days, I knew she could handle it,” said one mother from Bridgeport, CT. “She’s starting to reach that age where she doesn’t want to be embarrassed by us dropping her off, and we think it’s important to empower our particular kids at an early age.” Asked about potential risks, she further defended her decision, “we taught her to respect the rules of the road. She’s really good at reading the street signs now.”
Employees of Disney Corp. were surprised to find all facilities, offices and studios permanently closed today upon arriving to work. News quickly spread to worried investors who launched a panicked investigation. One spokesperson said, “We’re still figuring things out, but early satellite analysis reveals that a small group of top executives have absconded to a previously hidden space station, which appears they were building in secret for the past several decades. We’re hopeful this is just a new extension of Disney’s theme park offerings, with more details to come.”
After concluding a year-long study, marine biologists have released a report claiming that over half of all ocean pollution is comprised of plastic water bottles. “As scientists, we’ve mostly given up on trying to convince the world of the magnitude of this travesty,” said the lead contributor to the report. “We’re shifting our efforts to instead study the ways in which marine life interacts with and processes this dark, filthy and irreversible reality. In particular, we’re curious to learn if they understand the irony of choking to death on containers designed to hold water.” A follow-up study is being conducted.
As social media voraciously consumes every aspect of our lives, the number of sites and apps dedicated to fueling our rampant narcissism continues to multiply. To address this challenge, a new social network aims to wrangle and manage all the other social networks to which you belong, in one convenient place. “It’s literally great. It’s like, everything,” said one enthusiastic early adopter. “I’ve shaved off so many seconds switching apps that I can now better spend furthering my own personal brand and living my best life for everyone to see.”
Tobacco companies are feeling the pressure as vape pens and e-cigarettes invade that most coveted demographic: young, impressionable people. Speaking at a lobbying convention today, a tobacco regulatory official said “We need to reinforce the many benefits of a more traditional addiction. Cigarettes are a known quantity; we’ve had a hundred years to learn exactly what diseases they cause. With these new vape chemicals, who knows? Cigarettes never need to be refilled or charged, and unlike so-called ‘vaping,’ no one ever looked like a pussy smoking a Lucky Strike.”
Upon learning that Amazon employs thousands of transcribers to archive every thing you say to its flagship Alexa product, consumers and watch-groups alike expressed shock and anger that an appliance whose sole purpose is 24-hour surveillance might be spying on them. “It’s a complete invasion of privacy,” said anonymous Amazon Prime member William F. Tulmaney of Huntington, IL. The 48 year-old marketing director and father of 3 continued, “It’s unacceptable. I feel violated. Alexa, post comment and turn yourself off.”
You’ve heard the slogan, you’ve seen the commercials. Now a class-action lawsuit alleges intentional false advertising against the world’s largest producer of expensive, shiny carbon rocks. The suit, filed against De Beers Group, bases these allegations on scientists’ estimations that diamonds, while likely to outlive our own galaxy, are nowhere near “forever.” Despite a lifespan of 2-3 trillion years, plaintiffs in the case say it’s not about money, but much like the diamond itself, about the principle and symbolism behind the claim.
“Nobody knew who the hell Transylvania was until Bram Stoker wrote that stupid book,” a Moldavian tourist official was translated as saying earlier today. “Now they make more money from ‘vampire tourism’ than we make from all our industries combined.” The fiery rhetoric underpinned the announcement of Moldavia’s recent tourism initiative, based around a new vampire character native to the neighboring country. “He’s way better than Dracula,” the official boasted. “He’s kinda edgy. He’s got sick abs and drives a Mustang. He would kick Dracula’s ass.”
Sociologists are noting a seismic shift in the motivating factors for couples to have children. Toping the list is now Instagram and the likes associated with broadcasting every single chapter of the child-bearing and rearing process. “Humans have always loved bragging about their spawn,” said the study’s leading contributor, “and social media has thrown fuel on that fire in ways we couldn’t imagine before. Those endless likes and comments incentivize parenthood in ways that simply couldn’t be matched by carrying around a few creased photos in a wallet or purse.”
Highlighting the cultural impact of HBO’s 10-year epic fantasy series “Game of Thrones,” one entire class of girls in Spokane, WA share the exact same name with the show’s Queen of Dragons, Daenerys Targaryen. The class, which is set to graduate high school in 2036, will no doubt pose a challenge to teachers, who have already begun pleading with young parents to “be more original, for the love of God.” HBO is set to begin production of a Game of Thrones prequel series, although no character names have been revealed at this time.
A successful Wall Street hedge-fund manger is being praised for his bravery and for inspiring others to chase excessive wealth when he announced a career switch to the arts; specifically, artisanal scrimshaw carving. The 51 year-old stated “I just felt like I had reached the financial limit of what finance could provide me. My 10-year plan is to first complete a Norwegian apprenticeship and then launch my own line of hand-made spice racks, flutes and candle holders.”
The National Rifle Association has published a children’s book that encourages the bonding of parents and children over such timeless lessons as proper gun handling, making smart ammunition choices, and shooting people in the fucking face when they step to you. Entitled “I’m Gonna Count to Three,” the book is being praised by Second Amendment groups, doomsday preppers, and unregulated militias for candidly confronting the price of freedom in a snowflake-controlled climate.
The recent trend of throwing increasingly lavish “gender-reveal parties” is symbolic of our utter ridiculousness as a species, anthropologists published over the weekend. “Compared with the rest of human history, modern Western society is overwhelmed with leisure, convenience and a self-congratulatory malaise,” said one university professor. “There’s nothing to hunt, nothing to gather, nothing to curb our most superficial inclinations. To re-iterate, we’re talking about elaborate theme parties being thrown just to tell the world what a baby’s gender will be.”
The New York Yankees logo, which for years has served as the unofficial logo for New York City on hats and jackets across the world, has now been officially appropriated. NYC mayor Bill de Blasio said on Sunday “We are proud to steal this base from the greatest champions in sports history and our favorite sons from the Bronx, the Yankees. People everywhere have long associated the Big Apple with their iconic symbol, and today we make it official.” Meanwhile, Mets fans took umbrage, with some whining like little bitches. “Oh please,” said one salty Brooklynite, “we have the same friggin’ logo in a different color.”
Those who lamented the end of schools teaching students how to write in cursive script, cover your screens; the United States Department of Education has announced that all schools grade 1 - 5 are encouraged to abandon spelling and grammar altogether in favor of emoji studies. Citing an “unwinnable war” against widespread apathy for proper English, schools en masse are finding the only remaining way to engage students in basic communication is with tiny pictographs. Smiley face, or frowny face?
AMC’s long-running zombie series and highest-rated show in cable television history, “The Walking Dead,” premiered last night to an hour-long episode consisting entirely of a black empty screen, punctuated only by occasional screams and cries of hopeless despair. The episode shattered its previously-held ratings record, although reviews were mixed. One reviewer said “I thought it was great. Totally unexpected.” Others had less praise. “I don’t even know why I watch anymore, but I always do. The misery is kind of addicting.”
The small island of Japan, the largest consumer of freakishly weird pornography in the world, is facing a birth rate crisis that has seen its population slowly decline and rapidly age. With effects being felt across all aspects of its industry and culture, national ministries have launched campaigns aimed toward enticing people to have procreational intercourse. One such campaign promises to offer a lifetime of free “hentai” (anime-style porn that often involves inter-species sex between humans and monsters) to anyone able to produce and raise a child.
Recent stage and film adaptations of “Beauty and the Beast” have come under scrutiny for suggesting that one of its supporting male characters may harbor a secret, homosexual crush. The story, based on Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont’s 1740 fairy tale of the same name, portrays underage girl Belle, who is held captive by but ultimately falls in love with a cursed beast, one whose appearance has ranged in portrayal over the centuries from hunched goblin to towering, bi-pedal water buffalo. One conservative group complains “This timeless classic is being corrupted just so Hollywood can push its gay agenda down our children’s throats.”
A former geometry teacher who found a second calling in life as a professional boxer may be throwing in the towel— at least until he can convince the sport and its fans to stop calling it a boxing “ring.” Middleweight defending champ Roger Wakinzy of Mayberry, MA holds an impressive record of 31-1, but his greatest fight yet may come in the form of educating the public on spatial categorization. “I refuse to back down on this issue,” Wakinzy said to reporters on Friday. “It’s got four sides and four corners. It’s a god-damn square.”
The first and now one of 10 states in which recreational marijuana is legal in the U.S., California is again pushing the envelope by allowing movie theater patrons to openly light up during showtime. Although there is no mandate and not all theaters are participating, those who are can expect an increase in concession sales, as already-inflated snack prices are expected to rise by as much as 1,000%.
As virtually every grown man succumbs to the beard trend, razor manufacturers are facing challenges in the marketplace. Spokesperson for Gillette said yesterday “our marketing department concludes that as gender roles continue to blur, men are increasingly desperate to hold onto any remaining semblance of masculinity in a world that is suddenly unfamiliar and threatening to them. Curiously, men are more effeminate than ever, embracing waxed bodies and skin-tight pants. But they simply refuse to give up the facial hair.”
A small town in Fairhope, AL says there’s just something “not quite right” about a historical statue near the local courthouse, whose faint cries and bloody tears are “a little bit unnerving.” Says one county treasurer, “The people here are not worrisome folk. Anyone will tell ya, it takes a lot to rattle us. If it was just the sounds, that might be one thing. But the sounds and the blood together, that’s a bit odd.” She added, “No one seems to know when the crying and bleeding began, but lately it’s been getting a lot of attention, for whatever reason.”
Although the Great Pyramids of Giza remain one of those most popular tourist spots in the world, attracting millions of visitors and dollars each year, Egypt says it is seeking ways to increase those numbers through select advertising partnerships. Starting in 2020, companies will be allowed to rent large ad spaces on each pyramid’s four exterior walls, leaving many archeologists aghast. But Egyptian officials are hoping to ease their concerns. “We’re not going to let just anyone put up signs. We want it to be tasteful. Only the very wealthiest and most prestigious global brands will have access.”
“Flat-earthers,” or those who believe, in spite of irrefutable evidence, that the earth is flat, have taken up a new fight: quotation marks. The “Flat-earthers,” whose “philosophies” espouse no shortage of insane conspiracy theories, complain that the use of quotation marks to describe their “positions” are rude and condescending. They insist that their “beliefs” have as much right to be respected as any other, and that to marginalize them with quotation marks is to dismiss and insult their “intelligence.” Although still a fringe group, “Flat-earthers” have seen a baffling resurgence in recent years due to social media echo chambers and the legitimization of alternate “facts.”
In an attempt to fill the void left by Alexa’s inability to understand drunken speech, a new product promises to speak on your behalf to the Amazon product. Its creators say “We felt there was room for improvement. Even if you’re not drunk, who really has the time to say “Hey Alexa,” when you can just start mumbling incoherently?” The product, which is set to launch with the title “That Thing,” connects via BlueTooth to your Alexa and requires no activation phrase. Instead, it automatically starts translating any lazily-spoken words for Alexa to understand. It will be available to purchase online and in liquor stores early next year.
Ed Boon, steward of the long-running Mortal Kombat video game franchise, tweeted on Wednesday that new technology will soon allow a much more immersive experience. “Get ready to literally taste your opponent’s blood!” said the game maker, referring to an upcoming console accessory that will connect intravenously to player’s veins, spraying the loser’s blood into the winner’s face whenever a “fatality” is performed. Boon and his company collaborated with the accessory maker, stating “it was the logical next step to satisfy the barbaric needs of our base.” A live demo of the feature was recently unveiled at this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo, to thunderous applause.
A post originating from an anonymous account claims that he/she makes a generous salary just by breathing in the comfort of his/her own home… and you can, too. “I never thought I could quit my job and breathe from home, but now I make over $300 an hour!” the Reddit post begins. With over 50 likes, the post continues “I made over half a million $$$ in just 6 months. What are you WAITING FOR?!!!” It ends with a link to a website which Looney Newz was unable to verify. Stay tuned as we continue to bring you the latest information on this exciting opportunity.
Famed visionary and cultural icon Nikola Tesla, whose technological achievements at the turn of the 20th century contributed to countless modern standards, is being debunked with shocking revelations by his great-granddaughter. Emily Tesla, a scientist and engineer herself, claims in a tell-all book that her great-grandfather was “not very smart” and “really just very lucky.” Citing family memoirs and private stories passed down from her mother and grandmother, she says that the legendary inventor “basically just tried a bunch of random, weird shit until something worked.” Despite his immeasurable scientific contributions, Nikola Tesla famously died penniless and alone in 1943. “He was incredibly lucky.” Emily repeated. “He should have spent more time in casinos.”
An interesting new peek into the parlance of today’s young people reveal that they “literally can’t even.” But despite an exhaustive investigation, it remains unclear what, exactly, they can’t. What is certain, however, is that it is a literal, not figurative conclusion. A language expert offers some insight: “Millennials face many challenges that other generations may have difficulty relating to. They are bombarded with information and experience unprecedented levels of anxiety. We speculate that what they ‘literally can’t even’ might be related to eye contact or answering the phone, but we literally can’t even be sure.” UPDATE: New information related to the phrase “low-key” may, in fact, hold the key.
Edward Teller, father of the devastating hydrogen bomb, may be the father of something even deadlier: his son. Dr. Randall Teller, 63, claims he is working on a project that will make his father’s creation “seem like a small firecracker.” In a sit-down interview with Looney Newz, Teller says that a recent trip to the movies with his grand-children was the unlikely source of inspiration. “I went to see Avengers: Endgame, and I thought ‘wow, that glove is so effectively elegant.’ No fallout, no blast radius… just half the population, gone. Snap. It really got the wheels turning.”
Claiming that it will save millions of people countless hours of editing, iOS and Android photo apps will now automatically enlarge your eyes, breasts, and penis whenever you take a selfie. This latest software update to the world’s most popular phone cameras will be enabled by default and can be disabled (though not recommended) in their respective settings. A spokesperson for Apple said “we know that our users want to look their best, even if it’s completely unrealistic. This cosmetic enhancement feature allows anyone to falsely represent themselves without having to do any work whatsoever.” An Android representative followed up with “The big eyes thing is especially popular with kids, who previously had to use apps like Snapchat to achieve that ridiculous anime-look. They love it.”
Though the undead never really die, they certainly have been given new life in recent years, thanks in no small part to such runaway hits as AMC’s “The Walking Dead” and countless video games that simulate the kind of rampant violence that only an apocalyptic landscape can provide. But rabid fans of the genre insist that their limitless hunger for large scale massacre has nothing to do with any deeply-rooted issues. “It’s not like I secretly want to go around crushing people’s skulls with a barbed wire bat,” said one avid collector of barbed wire bats. “It’s just harmless escapism. And part of me likes knowing that if a zombie outbreak does occur, I’m ready to fuck some shit up, big time.”
The multi-billion dollar mobile games market owes much of its success to the widespread permeance of mobile devices in everyday life. One game in particular has enjoyed tremendous popularity, the colorful puzzle “challenge” Candy Crush Saga. Activision Blizzard acquired the game and its company King in 2016 for $5.9 billion, but the new owners are slightly baffled by its continued success. “Have you ever actually played it?” asked one Blizzard executive. “You look for a cluster of squares that are the same color and you tap on it. That’s it. Even my 3 year-old got bored after a few minutes and downloaded Fortnite. And yet millions of adults play it religiously and spend real money on in-app purchases to enhance their meaningless scores. It’s incredible.”
Apple Inc., maker of some of the world’s most recognizable products including the iPhone and Macbook laptops, said during an investor earnings call that rival tech company Google and their Android mobile software continue to be their only real competitor. While distinctive from each other in many areas and offerings, the two companies compete for a vast majority of the smartphone market, often forcing consumers to choose between them. Apple CEO Tim Cook reportedly said during the call “I don’t mind the comparisons because I think we offer the superior customer experience, but would it be too much to ask for them to change ‘Google’ to ‘Oranges?’ It just sounds better when people compare us. It’s the polite thing to do.”
A woman who goes by the online name of “RiseAndShine79” describes herself as a “Social Media Influencer and Life Coach” to her hundreds of followers across Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube. Among her myriad qualifications is “Star Gazer, Yoga Priestess, Sun Pixie, Moon Goddess, Proud Mama Bear, Fitness Fiend and follower of light.” Her daily posts featuring exercise, bathroom-posing and motivational quotes garner dozens of comments from people looking to find inspiration and a few carefully-angled cleavage shots.
The world’s second largest producer of crude oil will soon offer exciting new options for the 10 million barrels they produce each day. Saudi Arabia, whose crude oil production has long been a cornerstone of their economy, is developing “colored and scented” variations of their national export to appeal to style-conscious customers. “Although it has no practical purpose, the addition of vibrant colors and pleasant scents is appealing to a new generation of import countries, who value nice little touches in every aspect of their life.” A Saudi official listed some of the options in development as Green Mint Gas, Blueberry Petrol, and Red Cherry Fuel.
Hoping to attract a new crop of young, hip art appreciators, NYC’s Guggenheim Museum is set to reverse its long-standing “no skateboards” policy which will allow patrons to ride down its spiraled architecture made famous by legendary architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Museum curator Peggy Rothschild said “We’re excited to breathe new life into our halls by inviting skateboarders to grind their way past some of the world’s greatest art and installations. We’re currently in the process of strategically positioning ramps and rails to further enhance their experience.”
Few historical figures have impacted human culture to the extent of Jesus Christ. Today, Christianity is by far the world’s largest religion, followed by nearly a third of a 6.9 billion population. A stark contrast to the volatile and vengeful gods of old—including his own father— Jesus preached unconditional love, kindness, generosity and forgiveness. However, recent documents unearthed by theologians have discovered that even Christ had a special fear and hatred of clowns. One such academic, Daniel Gratz, Ph.D., explained “We should remember that Jesus walked and loved among society’s dregs, offering spiritual sanctuary to thieves and murderers alike. Given this unprecedented tolerance, I suppose we can cut him a little slack. I mean, who doesn’t hate clowns?”
Responding to “the endless, toxic cesspool of pathetic Star Wars fans,” LucasFilm CEO Kathleen Kennedy said that the company, whose films are now owned and distributed by Disney Corp., “hasn’t even begun to dissect, commoditize and ruin your precious little childhood nostalgia.” A defiant Kennedy, clearly fed up with the loud, constant bitching by emotionally stunted fan-boys and man-children, continued to shout at a press conference. “You’ll see, losers. We have a 100-year road-map for this franchise, and we plan to drag your bloody corpses by the neck down each miserable mile. And if you think we’re gonna stop there, just wait and see what we have in store for Indiana Jones.”
In the #MeToo era, Feminism seems to finally be enjoying some much-deserved attention and respect. However, in the face of its fourth wave, Feminism is also experiencing a new kind of backlash in the form of Men’s Rights Activism and various dissent from males, who view these turning tides as a war on masculinity itself. Feminist thought leaders are beginning to wonder if the name “Feminism” itself might be polarizing, especially to young men who, not having experienced the decades of oppression suffered by women, don’t understand the context and tenets of equality that the movement was intended to espouse. One tweet mused “All we want is equality, not superiority. Perhaps it should be ‘Equalism’ or something. Maybe the Civil Rights Movement wasn’t called ‘Blackism’ for a reason?”
A graphic designer in Austin, TX says he thinks he’s finally ready to settle down with one font. Matthew Redford, 29, says that he’s grown tired of jumping from one typeface to another and having to re-learn all the nuances of which leading and kerning work best between the letters. “I’ve used hundreds of fonts in my career. Serifs, sans-serifs, even a few novelty fonts that I’m not too proud of.” Redford insists that he never messed around with Comic Sans, even though he was curious for a time. “I was young. You go through phases. Helvetica, Copperplate, Gotham, the usual suspects. But I was never really fulfilled.” Now the freelancer feels he’s played with enough fonts to stick with one, and maybe even make a few fonts of his own. As to who the lucky font is, Redford’s lips are sealed. “I’d rather not say, but she knows who she is.”
Arguably the first major social network, MySpace was the place to be online in the early 2000s, paving the way for such companies as Facebook and, well, Facebook. A shadow of its former popularity, MySpace has made several attempts over the years to entice members to return, including a sharper focus on music and a highly publicized partnership with Justin Timberlake in 2016. With none of their efforts having much effect, it seems that the gloves are coming off. Setting a deadline of “soon,” CEO Tim Vanderhook said in a statement on Tuesday “We’re not kidding around anymore. We know how many of you were members when you were young. We also know every single embarrassing thing you posted. The choice is simple: sign back up, pay your dues, and we won’t make public our entire archive history.”
Johns and Jacks of the world should feel secure in their bad-assery, as a deep A.I. analysis of American male action movie heroes has spotted a few interesting trends. Not only do writers have an overwhelming penchant for first names that begin with the letter J, it’s virtually unheard of to find a first and last name combination that adds up to more than 3 syllables. Don’t believe it? Just ask John Rambo, Jack Ryan, James Bond, John Matrix, Jack Reacher, Jason Bourne, John McClane, John Wick, Jack Sparrow, James Kirk, Josey Wales, John Shaft, Jack Burton, Jimmy Doyle, Judge Dredd, John Spartan, Jack Traven, John Cale, Jack Slater, John Kimble, James Howlett, John Kruger, Jack Taggart, Jon Snow, James Marshall, Jack Carter, Johnny Cage or Dr. Jones.
In a rare and uncharacteristic moral judgement, Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama decreed on his personal blog that “any man who invokes the lazy, tired and eternally awful innuendo ‘That’s what she said’ in response to an unrelated topic shall be considered, in the realms of heaven and earth, an unredeemable douchebag and forever cast into darkness.” The phrase, primarily made famous by the American remake of Britain’s “The Office” sitcom, has become a crutch for comedically-challenged bro-dudes everywhere, meant to turn an innocuous statement into a sexual suggestion. The Dalai Lama says that it has gone far beyond “unfunny” and should now be viewed as a veritable sign of one’s complete spiritual decrepitude. “It is the only instance in which I fully encourage self-immolation.”
Apple Inc. subsidiary Beats Electronics, formerly and more popularly known as Beats by Dre, announced today that it is developing a new product to add to their successful line of headphones. The “Beats Tongue Wireless” will cater specifically to growing fans of ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response), a bio-reactionary phenomenon that occurs in some people when listening to soft, often moist sounds. In recent years it has become a YouTube sensation, with many dedicated channels featuring soundtracks of whispering, blowing, crinkling and wet food smooshing. The headphones, due out later this year, will accompany such types of listening with a warm, lubricated tongue in each ear, with various app-controlled licking and tickling options. Estimated retail price: $299.
A handwriting expert believes he has discovered a startling truth behind the works of America’s most famous abstract expressionist. Jackson Pollock, whose canvases explode with seemingly random splatters of paint, is a towering icon of modern art and whose original works have fetched as much as $200 million dollars. But last week, a paper published by Dr. Clarence McLennan claims that most of Pollock’s famed abstractions are, in fact, hand-written novels. “I was stunned. I’ve always been a fan. I had a print of No. 5 in my living room for years. When I decided to take a closer look, though, I started seeing words. I’m hoping to decode and publish the finished stories, I think he’d want that. It’s a bit sad really. He was always at odds with his status as a painter. It’s possible that he was just a guy with horrible handwriting who yearned to be an author.”
A video surfaced over the weekend allegedly showing celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay dining in the unlikeliest of places, a New Jersey White Castle. Ramsay, whose myriad restaurants have been awarded an astonishing 16 Michelin stars, rose to mega-stardom as host of several culinary television shows over the past 20 years. His notoriously mercurial temperament earned him a reputation as a harsh perfectionist, so fans are understandably concerned. One person tweeted, “BLOODY HELL! Gordon, say it ain’t so!” A fan-run Facebook page was full of similar comments. “Is this really happening?! WHITE CASTLE? That’s where Waffle House employees go slumming!” Attempts to reach Ramsay’s representatives have not been returned.
An Arizona mother is at her wits end dealing with a precocious 8 year-old daughter, whose snarky repartee is posing unique challenges. “She’s always been smart, reading at an early age and doing her taxes with very little help. But I guess the hormones are kicking in and she’s getting a bit cheeky. It’s getting harder to predict her moods.” The woman states that nonetheless, their relationship remains strong, but she pities her teachers. “They have their hands full, that’s for sure. Just yesterday I got word that she’s begun assigning them grades based on how well they grade her. She got sent to the principal’s office and asked for a lawyer. Like, a specific one. I have no idea where she got his card from.”
In newly-released audio from an ice-cream truck dash-cam, a driver can be heard engaging in heated debate with what seems to be his steering wheel. “NO, IT DOESN’T,” the man can be heard repeating over and over, referring to whether the endless, repetitive jingle might be affecting his mental state. Video footage of the driver is unavailable as the camera focuses on the road, but audio transcripts describe him as screaming erratically and telling the steering wheel to “stop patronizing” him. Although he manages to compose himself when stopped to serve customers, he quickly resumes upon driving his interaction with the wheel, whom he has apparently named “Captain Steerage.” The ice-cream truck company has declined to comment.
Apparently unconcerned with criticism that his ceaseless and often childish attacks on the president are merely galvanizing his supporters, The Late Show’s Stephen Colbert has reportedly fired his entire writing staff, replacing the show’s opening monologues with nothing but a photo of Donald Trump wearing a mustache scribbled in black marker. When asked by reporters if this represents a new low in creative skewering, CBS chairman Strauss Zelnick replied “Probably, but it’s cheaper and people are so checked out now that it doesn’t really seem to matter one way or the other.”
First defined by cardiologists Meyer Friedman and Ray Rosenman in 1956, Type A personalities were hypothesized to be at greater risk of heart disease due to their highly competitive, impatient and aggressive traits. But if you’ve ever suspected that there’s another, more annoying commonality among such types, you may be right. Researchers at a university behavioral department reveal that the main attribute associated with Type A’s is the unrelenting compulsion to tell everyone what personality type they are. “You never hear someone bragging about being a Type B or Type C personality” said the report. “Type A’s love to label themselves as such, proudly and constantly. And even though they often try to sound modest about it, like it’s some kind of burden, they’re basically saying that they’re cursed with being awesome. That’s really all there is to it.”
The God of Thunder may have good intentions, but his recent carelessness can be a real pain in the neck— or more accurately, the back. Seemingly less concerned than he used to be with storing legendary hammer Mjolnir in private, the Mighty Thor has been leaving it laying around in random public spots across the nation. Coinciding with this lazy habit, doctors, chiropractors and orthopedic surgeons have been reporting a sharp rise in herniated disc injuries. Said one practitioner, “People are understandably tempted to try lifting it, but they’re simply not worthy. I know he can summon it from anywhere, but he’d be doing a lot of backs a lot of favors if he just kept it at home.” The private network doctor, who wishes to remain anonymous, did go on to admit that “it’s been pretty good for business, though.”
German car manufacturer BMW says that to strengthen brand consistency, all new U.S. model sales will require potential buyers to fill out a brief personality questionnaire to verify that their attitude and behavior is aligned with the reputation for which their cars are chiefly known. North American CEO Bernhard Kuhnt explains, “It’s not as prevalent in Europe, but here in the States people have come to expect our drivers to behave in predictably asshole-ish ways. Cutting off traffic, taking up two parking spots, passing on highway shoulders. We feel that it’s important to reinforce these brand expectations from the public by screening purchase eligibility.” The questionnaires are set to roll out immediately at all authorized American BMW dealerships.
The fur industry has long been a target for activists and protestors who rightly claim that its practices are unnecessarily cruel. This widespread opinion has encouraged the invention of several kinds of synthetic fur alternatives, commonly known as “faux fur.” However, underscoring the rise of modern outrage culture, a new kind of protest is gaining traction. Faux fur opponents are angry that the increased popularity of cruelty-free textiles is limiting what they can direct their rage toward. One street protester who was found camped outside H&M in Manhattan held a sign that read “FAUX OR NO, IT’S GOTTA GO!” When asked about specific grievances, she replied “I don’t have any. I just like being angry.”